Shake up

I'm feeling a bit gloomy tonight, and I'm not really sure why.

It could be one of many reasons.

I lost a friend today.  A man from my church, I grew up with him, he was always a part of church life.  He sang in the choir with my parents, and was one of those people who was just always around.  I guess I'm now realizing that we don't all live forever, and my church is not only going through a change with a new pastor, but we are losing people who have always been a part of church life, they are getting old, they are passing away, and I am very aware of the change all around me.
I think I'm sadder about this loss than even I realized at first.  Dale will be greatly missed!

I also had one of those "realization" days when you know who doesn't like you.  It doesn't feel good.  In all fairness, I don't care for certain people either, but it doesn't make it any easier.  I wish we could be civil.

One bright side of my day was finding out some really good news from a friend!  That was my rejoicing for the day!

I don't know who reads this blog, or if anyone reads this blog, so I keep it kind of vague.  However, I prayed for a shake up this year.  I prayed that God would shake up my life, because I feel like I've been in the same place mentally for 10 years now.  Physically I have moved around, but life around me seems the same.  Honestly, I was hoping that the shake up would be a family, the start of a new life.  And to be fair, knowing that I was praying for a shake up, I knew that anything could happen.  Last time, I thought 30 was my year!  And it was!  But it was not the year that I met the man I am going to marry, instead it was the year that I learned the importance of family, and lost my grandparents.  It was the year that I decided to make a change in my health.  It was one of my greatest years of life.

And this year could be too!  It's not what I expected, but a shake up is a shake up.  I'm still in wonder about what is happening around me, but I know one thing...nothing will ever be the same.

New Year, New You?

This is the time of year for New Year Resolutions.
I typically do not make resolutions.  Okay, actually, I almost NEVER make resolutions!
But this year is different!
It's time to grow up and become an adult, so I am making 3 resolutions.

1.  Get out of debt...or at least make great headway.  My goal is to pay off my credit card, and today I took the first steps of making that happen.

My other 2 goals are a little more iffy, because my number one goal is my biggest goal of the year.  The other 2 take money, which kind of defeats #1.

2.  Health.  It's time to get healthy again.

3.  Tough Mudder.  My cousins invited me to run the tough mudder with them this year, and I figure that if I make this a goal, then #2 will fall into place.  I now just have to find the money to register, and still have enough to pay off my bills!

I always said that 30 was my year, and it was.  But I believe 34 is my next best year!  I'm feeling good about what's in store!

What are your goals?

Dixie Chicks - Landslide

I have never really cared for this song, until today.  Today I was reading Mindy Kaling's book "Is everybody hanging out without me?" and she mentioned a lyric from this song.  Now, I can't get the song, or the words, out of my head.  So beautiful!
It amazes me how a song, that I can remember the day of the first time I heard it, and have changed the channels on so many times, can suddenly become like a new song, just because you hear it in a new light, or like me...finally listen to the words.
The funny thing is, the reason why I didn't like the song is because someone had told me that it was a song for the writer's dad.  I still don't get that reference.  This song does not make me think of my father at all, except for that he was there when I was told that.  But I can relate to the lyrics, and know that I have held myself back in some areas because I want things to always be the same.  But in reality, I look back on my life and can't help but think "Boy am I glad I've changed!"
And I believe I will continue to think like that.
I am not who I was, and I'm still not who I'm going to be.  But I will always be true to me in the moment.

Ashamed.

Tomorrow is youth Sunday.  It's the day that the youth group leads the church in worship.  Each year comes with its own stresses and surprises.  And each year, as much as I claim that it is about the youth leading the church in worship, I am amazed at how God speaks to me for the week leading up to it.
This year is no different.
Our theme this year is faith.  The youth wanted to focus on having the faith of a mustard seed, and how it can move mountains.  We have a boy who has written an INCREDIBLE sermonette, and I can't wait for him to give it.  He's in 6th grade, but he could not have wrapped the message up any better if he was a doctorate.  But that's beside the point.
One of the skits that the girls are doing is about praying with faith.
It's that old story of people praying for rain, yet only one person brought an umbrella.
As much as I think that I have faith, tonight I realized that I never bring my umbrella.
One of my old students was in a car accident today.  I got the news late this evening that he had been life flighted.  I freaked out.  I prayed.  I was on the verge of a meltdown.  I asked others to pray.  As I drove to pick up a friend from the airport, I convinced myself that this student had died.  I cried.  I hurt. And then I had my wake up call.
If I was praying for this boy, and believing that God would heal him, how come he went so quickly to death?  I did not even give this boy the chance to live in my mind.  He did not break any bones.  He was not in a coma.  No, in my mind, he died.
Praying with faith means to bring the umbrella, right?  So praying for Mason, I should have believed that God would work a miracle, right?
So, I had my "come to" moment, and I began to pray with faith.  By the time I made it to the airport and was able to get an update, I found out that Mason is fine.  No broken bones, just a few scratches.  He's okay!  He's not dead!
So, why did I jump to loss, rather than life?
Where was my faith?  Where is my faith?
I have a lot to learn!
Each day I am reminded that God is good!  And as I stress about tomorrow, I need to remember that God is good!  He has it all in His control!  The message will come across, God will speak.  Faith will move mountains, and lives will be touched.  God is in control!
Yes, God is in control, and God is good!
Now, hopefully as I pray and put this all in God's hands, I will be able to sleep tonight.
God is good, and will not let us disappoint Him...we CANNOT disappoint Him!
Have faith.

I'm watching the images at the Boston Marathon, and I feel so helpless!  I just keep praying for the people there.  I can't help but think about the runners, how tired they are, how close to the finish, what their bodies have already gone through to get there, then to be greeted by either the explosion, or the horrific news of the explosion.  The runners that are still on the course, what about them?  Where do they go?  The physical and emotional toll that is being placed on each person there.  And then I think about the spectators.  The friends and families there to support their loved one.  Innocent.
They are all innocent.
It's heartbreaking.
I know that I am fortunate enough to live in a country where these things are rare, but it doesn't make it any less horrific or scary.
I don't know if its because I'm now in the running community that this is effecting me this way, or if it's just because I can't turn off the news, but I am just sad.  Horrified.  And continuously praying.
What should be such an exciting day for these people, has become a nightmare!  They are fulfilling their dreams, they trained for this, they made it!  And it ends in horror.
Not to mention all of the people who were working at the race, or just in the area because that's where they live/work.
My prayers are with them all.

Aha! Moments

I feel like this weekend has been a very revealing weekend!  It has been filled with "aha!" moments, and moments of reflection!  Who I think I am, is not who I am.  What I think I want, is not necessarily what I want.  I'm still trying to sort through everything, but all I can think about is that song by Sarah Evans "I keep looking."  Which, I think in reality, has always been one of my life songs.
I wish I could figure it out!
On another note, I had a great time being with the boys this weekend!  There is something therapeutic about spending time with two precious little ones.  However, also very eye opening, and revealing to who I am!  So, I'm working on that too!
I think when it comes down to it, I'm just too bossy, and I'm just too mean!
But the great thing is that with "aha" moments like this, it gives me a chance to change and grow!  I am not who I was yesterday, and I am not who I will be tomorrow!
Who knows what the future holds!
Also, I'm very tired, and took some benadryl.  So this post might not make much sense to anyone, but I just had to get it out...and I'm too lazy to go get my journal!

Get back on it!

It's time to get back to training!  Tomorrow is a new day, and I am going to stick with it!
If I can have a good run tomorrow, then I can get back into training, and be ready for the Alamo 13.1, which is only a few weeks away!  Okay, a month and a half, but still!  There is a lot to do before then!  And I can't keep putting it off!  This weekend is supposed to be good weather, so I am going to make the most of it.  Now if only I could put away the popcorn and focus on eating healthy instead.  But really, I had the most delicious milkshake tonight!  I finally tried Burgerville's chocolate hazelnut milkshake, and my life has been changed!
Tomorrow is a new day!  The jeans are getting too tight, and I am too poor to buy a new pair, so I will run instead!  Plus, I'm working on my "Texas playlist" to get in the spirit!
It's been a great week, and tomorrow will be another good day!

Life is good!

For how difficult life has been in my professional life, things in my personal life are going great today!  I'm on top of the world!!!
1.  I was asked to be in my best friends wedding today!
2.  I just won an entry into the race I have been training for!  Talk about encouragement!  Now I HAVE to run the whole thing...even if it's 90 degrees out!
3.  One of my best friends has accepted our request to speak for our youth camping trip (This is kind of a professional and personal joy)
4.  I just bought my plane ticket to SA for the race, and found a flight that lets me stay one more day in SA, but get home before an event on my return day in PDX!
5.  It's just been a really good day (again, professionally and personally)
I'm on top of the world, and it feels good!  If nothing else, this joy will last through a great run tomorrow, since now I am in super training mode!
I can't believe I won!!!
The contest was to tell them in 200 characters or less why I should get a free race entry.  It was hard!  I could definitely win with 200 words, but not in characters, but I did!  I got it (along with 12 other people, but I am one of them!)
So, I'm doing this for you, Grandma!  And in your true honor, I'm even saving money!  Because why would I waste money to fly down for a race?  That makes no sense!

Ready to run

It's amazing how words stick with you!  I think that I have forgiven and moved on, yet I have realized that one of the last conversations I ever had with my grandma is the conversation that fuels me.  It's because of this conversation that I run.  It's because of this conversation that I am so excited for my next race.
My next race is going to be in San Antonio, and is a half marathon.  It goes along my grandma and grandpa's favorite places in SA.  Because of this, I feel the need to run this half.  I have some personal goals for this half, but mostly, it is to run where my grandparents were.  Then, at the end of the race, I am going to eat at their favorite restaurant and then go visit their gravesite.  I realize that this is a bit unconventional, but there is something about it that is bringing me hope and healing as I train for this event.  The last time I was so fired up about a race was the first 5k I ran, which I also ran in my grandma's honor.  I can't wait to visit their grave and say...Look at what I did!  Look at who I am!  And hopefully, I will feel some sort of closure and/or accomplishment!
In the end, she got her way!  My lifestyle has changed, I am doing a lot more now than I ever had before.  But I also know that if she were here, she would still be disappointed in my shape, my size, and  in many of my life decisions.  But the thing is, I am enjoying life.  I am happy!  I am proud of where I have come from, and excited for where I am going!  I love life!  The past, present, and excitement of the future, I love it all!  And that's what keeps me going!
So, I know this is going to be a very emotional race, filled with ups and downs, but in the end, I am the one who is going to be proud.  I have reached so many of my goals this year, and have so many more within reach...and THAT is a great thing!

Abraham

This week seems to be a continuous circle of Bible stories.  It seems that Abraham seems to be the theme for the week, for some reason, his life keeps coming up.  I am reminded of parts of the story that I had forgotten, and been told parts of the story I never realized.  I've noticed that when I read the Bible, I tend to focus on certain parts of the story, and forget the rest.  I love the story of Abraham, when God tells Sarah that she's pregnant, and she laughs.  It's such a simple line between her and God that makes me laugh, because I feel like it's a line from How I met your Mother,
God  "You laughed"
Sarah "I did not laugh"
God, "Yes, you did laugh"
I don't know why, but I love it!
But anyways, another part of the story that I tend to overlook is the part where Abraham tries to take his life into his own hands.  He wants a son, and He does what he can to get a son.
Tonight, I sat reflecting on this.  Am I trying to do things on my own, or am I trusting God to lead me?  The world, my friends, all tell me to take action.  But as I pray, I do not feel that leading from God, so does that mean to wait?  Or am I being lazy?  Where is the line?
I have an idea that I am getting excited about, but I wonder if I should follow through, or if it is just my human excitement.  I'm trying to pray for discernment.  I asked a friend, and she thought it sounded great, and in theory, I think it sounds great, but it could also be a disaster.  Okay, really, it wouldn't be a disaster, I just don't know if it's as good as an idea played out as it is as a dream.
But I guess, either way, it's fun to dream!
So is this one of those times that I wait, I pray, or is God just saying..."I don't know!  Surprise me!"
I don't know.

The Cleanse

I was talking to a friend tonight, about how some people had said something to another group of people, and had hurt their feelings.  As I discussed this, I realized that the "victims" were actually the ones harboring the anger.  I realized that I really need to get better about letting things go.  The problem is, this situation really doesn't involve me, but because both sides talked to me, I can't let it go.  They have probably forgotten the conversation, and I am the one who is letting it bug me, and am worrying about it.  And why?
Sometimes I feel like I just need a good cleansing.  I have two times of the year where I go through this process.  Usually on my birthday (because that's when I make my resolutions for the new year) and for New Years, along with everyone else.  I'm starting a health cleanse on Monday, and I almost feel like I need a spiritual/emotional cleanse to go along with it.  Get rid of the toxins in my life.  Say my apologies, and focus on the relationships that are encouraging, rather than discouraging.
I cleansed myself of one mental toxin yesterday, and I feel much better about it.  The thing is, is that if the friendship is not healthy, it is not good for either person.  So, why try to force something that is not there?  I'm not sure if I need to take action or not.  Honestly, I think I am probably over reacting, but it is always good to sit back, type out my thoughts, and think about the good and bad of situations.  And tonight, I realized that I just need to let stuff go.  And I need to focus on that fresh start.
Tomorrow is a brand new day!
But, boy am I excited for Monday!

Musicals and memories

Sometimes I wish my life was a musical.  I think I can find a bit of my story in every musical I see.  Today's message is brought to you by Les Miserables.  As I watched/listened to "on my own," I thought about how much I could relate.
I'm really good at the one sided relationships, and I felt her pain.
I feel like today has been a "look at all of your relationships" kind of day.
I went to zoo lights tonight with one of my good friends.  We calculated that we have been holding this tradition for 14 years.  We go to the old spaghetti factory then head to zoo lights to drink hot cocoa and ride the train.  Tonight, that's really what we did, we went straight for the train line, and as we waited our hour and a half, we talked about everything past and present.  How it was two years ago that she had just started dating this guy, and last year was experiencing her first year of marriage.  Tonight I shared all of my horrible dating stories (which I feel like I've been sharing a lot lately, and always end with the other person saying "I'm so glad I'm not in the dating world anymore."  Thanks.)
And we talked about what could happen in the coming years, and how our lives will be changing with dating, marriage, and eventually kids.  It was really great to share this time with her, and to talk life, love, and faith.  I can always open up to her in a way that I don't with very many people.  I love our tradition.  It may come only once a year, but it is a good few hours of quality time, and always encouraging.
So, what did I leave with?
I'm on my own.  But amazingly, I'm really okay with that right now!  I've turned a corner, and am in a new place, and I love the road that is ahead.  A road of mystery, of excitement, and of course...two months in Africa!  Who knows what will happen within this next year, and where I will be for zoo lights 2013?  The world is my oyster!

Who AM I?

I ran my first marathon yesterday!  What the heck?  WHO AM I?!?!
I never thought I would be the girl to run a marathon!  I'm the girl who takes naps!  I love TV!  I have an addiction to cookies!  I might be able to work out on the eliptical for 30 minutes, but that's pushing it!  I am NOT a runner!!!
And yet, in the last year, I have run/walked/walka-jogged 3 half marathons, the hood to coast, numerous 5k's, a few 10k's, and a full marathon!  WHAT THE HECK!?!?  Seriously, all of this started on October 9 of 2011, so that's all in less than a year.
Who am I?
Well, I'm still figuring that out!  I just know, I'm not done living yet!  There is too much to experience!  Who knows what I will do next?
But this just goes to show me, that we can do anything!  There are no limits!  For how much I have accomplished in my life, I feel like I haven't even started yet.  There is so much more to do, so much life to live!
So what's left on the list?  Well, honestly it doesn't matter, because none of this was ever on my list, so throw that list out the window and just live!

Also, I find it interesting that I keep talking about this as my "first" marathon!  I already want to do another one, just so that I can see if I can get a better time.  The funny thing is, I could care less about my time!  I hate when people ask about my time, because it's not about the time, but about the journey.  I just know that I can do better on that journey.
Good thing I'll be out of country next year, so that I don't have to think about it yet!
And the song in my head today?
Ryan Shuppe and the Rubberband, "Dream Big"

This picture is from around mile 19, where my family came to cheer me on! I saw my mom and nephew down the road, and ran over to them, and they ran a ways with me, then I stopped to give hugs, celebrate, and of course...take some Ibuprophen!  My sister realized that she forgot to take a picture, so I had to "take a loop" so that's why I look kind of funny, but I had been running when I saw them, and that felt good!  Plus, I was almost done...hence the smile!  Ibuprophen, and a short 10k left.  Life was good!  And...Life IS good!


Okay, I guess I'm not done talking about this yet, because there is still more I want to mention.

I am so blessed!  Not only did my family come out and cheer me on, but they brought our "extended" family (an old student of mine and her mother) with them!  Then, at mile 25, when I was so focused on seeing the mile mark, I didn't even realize that the people standing in front of the sign were my friends!  My friends came out to cheer me on!!!  How awesome is that?!?!
Then, to top off the night, my friends came over (another group) and celebrated with me!  We drank champagne, ate pizza and guacamole, and just talked about life, the marathon, and Africa fundraising.  I am SOOOOOO blessed!!!  I'm such a lucky girl!

And quite thankful!

Hood to Coast

...and I did it!!!

Africa

Well, the news is out!  Or it will be by this time tomorrow at least!
The secret that I have been holding on to for over a month now, is that I will be taking 2 months in the fall of 2013 to go to Africa and do mission work.
I am so incredibly excited!
I will be telling the youth tomorrow night, but just told our session tonight.  I was (and still am) overwhelmed by their support!  Not only are they letting me go, knowing that I will be returning to a job, but they want to support me on the journey as well.  They want to send me as a part of the church, meaning that they want to be involved.  I just can't believe it!  I never expected that.  I almost began to cry.  Nerves kind of took over me as I told them the news, and it was a little embarrassing as it was a "shaky voice" moment, on a day that I have little voice.  But they were ecstatic!  Maybe even as excited as I am!
Now I take the next step.
I am praying that God will show me where He wants me to go.  This is a big faith journey, and I'm just stepping out, praying that God leads the way.  Looking back on the last few months, I can see how He's been putting this all together, so I know that wherever I end up, it will be His plan, and His guidance leading me there.
I'm a bit tired and flaky from all of my cold meds, so I'm going to leave it at that.  But I will tell the rest of the story soon!

God speaks at Zumba

Tonight I went to Zumba for the second time. Our church is hosting a class on Mondays. I had to laugh, because as I reflect on this week, and how God has been moving in my life, I realized that it all started last week at Zumba! It was a song that came on and opened my eyes, and was just like..."THAT'S IT!!!" It was my AHA! moment at church Zumba! And now, the ball is rolling!

I still can't post what's happening, but I hope to be able to say something in the next few weeks. But I am excited about what God is doing, and the doors that are opening!

Please pray for me as I take this exciting journey!

EXCITEMENT

Something big is happening, and unfortunately, I can't write about what it is yet. And worse off, I can't find my journal. But God is opening doors, and speaking to me in ways unexpected. Just to go ahead and ward off any rumors, no, I am not leaving my job. But I am serving with a new excitement, and a boost in life! And to ward off other rumors, no it does not mean that I'm dating or getting married!

That said, I think those are all of the rumors that people would jump to!

But all of the confusion that I have been feeling for the last few months is finally clearing up! Doors are opening, and I'm excited to see where God leads!

My heart breaks

My heart breaks when I find out kids are being dishonest

My heart breaks when I hear that a kid thinks that I've been talking about them, and now they can't trust me (I don't talk about my kids to other kids)

My heart breaks when I put together an event, and think it went really well, only to hear that kids will be kids, they will start drama, and someone will always leave with their feelings hurt

My heart breaks when I feel like kids are coming to youth group, and missing out on the message of the love of Christ, because they are treated poorly

My heart breaks, because I can't fix any of these things

I just trust in the Lord, only He can make it right

Gratitude

As a part of lent, I am committing to writing down 3 things that I am thankful for daily. I thought I would share some of them here.

1. I am most thankful for my family. I have a wonderful family, and I am truly blessed. My parents still take care of me to this day (not in a creepy, "I still live in their basement" kind of way, but more of a loving "give rides to the airport, take care of my dog" kind of way) I am also thankful for a wonderful sister who lets me be a part of her families lives, and makes life fun.

2. I am thankful for my many friends, and the ability to stay in touch with them over the years. For good roommates of the past, for people I have worked with, for those I have been in a small group with. The many ways I built up these friendships that are now long lasting.

3. For the ability to nap. I love to nap, and I am thankful for a flexible schedule that allows me to do so, when I need it!

Friends

As I reflect on this year, the thing that I realize I am most thankful for is my groups of friends!

I feel very blessed, as I have been thinking about this a lot lately. I have friends, best friends, close friends, friends who live far away, friends who have lived in my home, friends in ministry, friends who are in ministry that gather away from ministry, friends who like FRIENDS, friends who like HIMYM, friends who like the office, friends who like to ski, friends who like to run, friends who like to go to sporting events, small groups, friends not connected to the church, ministry cohorts, teams, walking buddies, different camp staffs that I am blessed to be a part of, and so much more. I feel like I am connected to people through numerous circles. And this year, I feel especially blessed! I don't know how I would survive without these people in my life! They fill me with joy! They encourage me, they listen when I am down. Sometimes they relate to the mental health issues that I struggle with, sometimes they don't, but they listen anyways. Sometimes we laugh about what it means to be OCD, sometimes we share the struggles. Some friends are easy to travel with, and make life fun. Some stay home and give me rest.

Some friends are closer through facebook, some are close enough to meet for coffee.

It's all different kinds of friends, and all different kinds of people. Old, middle, young. Tall, short. Skinny, Not as skinny. Great huggers, non huggers. Funny, serious. Random, Surprising.

Everything.

Man, I AM BLESSED!!!

I am so thankful for these friends!

And those are the thoughts that have been filling my head lately.