Love and Relationships

Relationships have been on my mind a lot lately. Whether it be romantic relationships, or friendship relationships, I've been thinking a lot about the relationships I've been in over the years. I've realized, that I think I've been in love twice. I say "think" because I've never been "in" love, meaning, I've never had either person love me back. I still consider it love, because I would have done anything for them. One person, I did the wrong thing (like moving for them) the other person, I prayed over, and followed God's leading me to not move for them. How different life would have been if I would have listened to God the first time.

But even with all that, I do wonder what it will be like to have someone love me. Will I be able to handle it? or will I run?

I don't know what's gotten me thinking about this so much recently, or why I've suddenly decided to write it here. But for some reason, I'm in this reflection mode of life, and this is one of the biggest things I reflect on. What might have been.

But I really need to focus on what WILL be. There is a future ahead. God is calling me and molding me for something. I just don't know what that is.

I thought at this point in my life I would be settled down with a family. Sadly, I don't even feel settled down yet. I'm sitting in the house I own, on the couch I own, with my dog...and yet somehow still feel like a college student sitting in the dorm. It's weird.

But all in all, even though life hasn't turned out like I expected, I'm happy. I'm ready for that next stage in life, but who even knows what that is?

At one point, I told myself that if I wasn't married by 35, I would follow my passions for missions and move over seas. Suddenly, that's not my passion anymore. It's like everything I knew changed. And I just don't know what to do with it yet.

So does this mean that I keep doing what I'm doing for another 10 years? I don't know if I can handle that.

I hope for change. But "what" change...I don't know what that is anymore.