Those words haunt me every single day. At the time, all I could say was "I wish you could see me in my element, because you would see how happy I truly am." They never took that opportunity. I made mistakes when I lived here, I didn't visit them as much as I should have. I regret that, and wish I could make the change, but I can't. I have, however, turned that around and now put family first. Before work, before ministry, before anything...my family comes first. Unfortunately, it happened after I moved, yet it still happened. I can't change the past, but I can change the future.
Today, people tried to tell me how proud my grandparents were of me. The problem is, that when they tell you point blank that you're a disappointment, it does a number on you. I don't believe that they were proud of me. I wish they were. I try to live in a way that God is proud of me, and hope that others follow and are blessed by me as well. But I can only do the best I can.
The highlight of my day? The breakdown point. The point of no return when I cried to my sister, my aunt, my cousin, and my mom. They listened. They encouraged. The cousin told me that she heard my grandparents say they were proud. Unfortunately, we will never know, I will never know. I know that if my grandparents knew I felt this way, it would be killing them. They didn't mean to make me feel this way.
That said, they were wonderful grandparents. They taught me a lot, and helped me to experience a lot. and I love them. I will miss them.
Let the healing begin.
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