Shake up

I'm feeling a bit gloomy tonight, and I'm not really sure why.

It could be one of many reasons.

I lost a friend today.  A man from my church, I grew up with him, he was always a part of church life.  He sang in the choir with my parents, and was one of those people who was just always around.  I guess I'm now realizing that we don't all live forever, and my church is not only going through a change with a new pastor, but we are losing people who have always been a part of church life, they are getting old, they are passing away, and I am very aware of the change all around me.
I think I'm sadder about this loss than even I realized at first.  Dale will be greatly missed!

I also had one of those "realization" days when you know who doesn't like you.  It doesn't feel good.  In all fairness, I don't care for certain people either, but it doesn't make it any easier.  I wish we could be civil.

One bright side of my day was finding out some really good news from a friend!  That was my rejoicing for the day!

I don't know who reads this blog, or if anyone reads this blog, so I keep it kind of vague.  However, I prayed for a shake up this year.  I prayed that God would shake up my life, because I feel like I've been in the same place mentally for 10 years now.  Physically I have moved around, but life around me seems the same.  Honestly, I was hoping that the shake up would be a family, the start of a new life.  And to be fair, knowing that I was praying for a shake up, I knew that anything could happen.  Last time, I thought 30 was my year!  And it was!  But it was not the year that I met the man I am going to marry, instead it was the year that I learned the importance of family, and lost my grandparents.  It was the year that I decided to make a change in my health.  It was one of my greatest years of life.

And this year could be too!  It's not what I expected, but a shake up is a shake up.  I'm still in wonder about what is happening around me, but I know one thing...nothing will ever be the same.

New Year, New You?

This is the time of year for New Year Resolutions.
I typically do not make resolutions.  Okay, actually, I almost NEVER make resolutions!
But this year is different!
It's time to grow up and become an adult, so I am making 3 resolutions.

1.  Get out of debt...or at least make great headway.  My goal is to pay off my credit card, and today I took the first steps of making that happen.

My other 2 goals are a little more iffy, because my number one goal is my biggest goal of the year.  The other 2 take money, which kind of defeats #1.

2.  Health.  It's time to get healthy again.

3.  Tough Mudder.  My cousins invited me to run the tough mudder with them this year, and I figure that if I make this a goal, then #2 will fall into place.  I now just have to find the money to register, and still have enough to pay off my bills!

I always said that 30 was my year, and it was.  But I believe 34 is my next best year!  I'm feeling good about what's in store!

What are your goals?

Dixie Chicks - Landslide

I have never really cared for this song, until today.  Today I was reading Mindy Kaling's book "Is everybody hanging out without me?" and she mentioned a lyric from this song.  Now, I can't get the song, or the words, out of my head.  So beautiful!
It amazes me how a song, that I can remember the day of the first time I heard it, and have changed the channels on so many times, can suddenly become like a new song, just because you hear it in a new light, or like me...finally listen to the words.
The funny thing is, the reason why I didn't like the song is because someone had told me that it was a song for the writer's dad.  I still don't get that reference.  This song does not make me think of my father at all, except for that he was there when I was told that.  But I can relate to the lyrics, and know that I have held myself back in some areas because I want things to always be the same.  But in reality, I look back on my life and can't help but think "Boy am I glad I've changed!"
And I believe I will continue to think like that.
I am not who I was, and I'm still not who I'm going to be.  But I will always be true to me in the moment.

Ashamed.

Tomorrow is youth Sunday.  It's the day that the youth group leads the church in worship.  Each year comes with its own stresses and surprises.  And each year, as much as I claim that it is about the youth leading the church in worship, I am amazed at how God speaks to me for the week leading up to it.
This year is no different.
Our theme this year is faith.  The youth wanted to focus on having the faith of a mustard seed, and how it can move mountains.  We have a boy who has written an INCREDIBLE sermonette, and I can't wait for him to give it.  He's in 6th grade, but he could not have wrapped the message up any better if he was a doctorate.  But that's beside the point.
One of the skits that the girls are doing is about praying with faith.
It's that old story of people praying for rain, yet only one person brought an umbrella.
As much as I think that I have faith, tonight I realized that I never bring my umbrella.
One of my old students was in a car accident today.  I got the news late this evening that he had been life flighted.  I freaked out.  I prayed.  I was on the verge of a meltdown.  I asked others to pray.  As I drove to pick up a friend from the airport, I convinced myself that this student had died.  I cried.  I hurt. And then I had my wake up call.
If I was praying for this boy, and believing that God would heal him, how come he went so quickly to death?  I did not even give this boy the chance to live in my mind.  He did not break any bones.  He was not in a coma.  No, in my mind, he died.
Praying with faith means to bring the umbrella, right?  So praying for Mason, I should have believed that God would work a miracle, right?
So, I had my "come to" moment, and I began to pray with faith.  By the time I made it to the airport and was able to get an update, I found out that Mason is fine.  No broken bones, just a few scratches.  He's okay!  He's not dead!
So, why did I jump to loss, rather than life?
Where was my faith?  Where is my faith?
I have a lot to learn!
Each day I am reminded that God is good!  And as I stress about tomorrow, I need to remember that God is good!  He has it all in His control!  The message will come across, God will speak.  Faith will move mountains, and lives will be touched.  God is in control!
Yes, God is in control, and God is good!
Now, hopefully as I pray and put this all in God's hands, I will be able to sleep tonight.
God is good, and will not let us disappoint Him...we CANNOT disappoint Him!
Have faith.

I'm watching the images at the Boston Marathon, and I feel so helpless!  I just keep praying for the people there.  I can't help but think about the runners, how tired they are, how close to the finish, what their bodies have already gone through to get there, then to be greeted by either the explosion, or the horrific news of the explosion.  The runners that are still on the course, what about them?  Where do they go?  The physical and emotional toll that is being placed on each person there.  And then I think about the spectators.  The friends and families there to support their loved one.  Innocent.
They are all innocent.
It's heartbreaking.
I know that I am fortunate enough to live in a country where these things are rare, but it doesn't make it any less horrific or scary.
I don't know if its because I'm now in the running community that this is effecting me this way, or if it's just because I can't turn off the news, but I am just sad.  Horrified.  And continuously praying.
What should be such an exciting day for these people, has become a nightmare!  They are fulfilling their dreams, they trained for this, they made it!  And it ends in horror.
Not to mention all of the people who were working at the race, or just in the area because that's where they live/work.
My prayers are with them all.

Aha! Moments

I feel like this weekend has been a very revealing weekend!  It has been filled with "aha!" moments, and moments of reflection!  Who I think I am, is not who I am.  What I think I want, is not necessarily what I want.  I'm still trying to sort through everything, but all I can think about is that song by Sarah Evans "I keep looking."  Which, I think in reality, has always been one of my life songs.
I wish I could figure it out!
On another note, I had a great time being with the boys this weekend!  There is something therapeutic about spending time with two precious little ones.  However, also very eye opening, and revealing to who I am!  So, I'm working on that too!
I think when it comes down to it, I'm just too bossy, and I'm just too mean!
But the great thing is that with "aha" moments like this, it gives me a chance to change and grow!  I am not who I was yesterday, and I am not who I will be tomorrow!
Who knows what the future holds!
Also, I'm very tired, and took some benadryl.  So this post might not make much sense to anyone, but I just had to get it out...and I'm too lazy to go get my journal!

Get back on it!

It's time to get back to training!  Tomorrow is a new day, and I am going to stick with it!
If I can have a good run tomorrow, then I can get back into training, and be ready for the Alamo 13.1, which is only a few weeks away!  Okay, a month and a half, but still!  There is a lot to do before then!  And I can't keep putting it off!  This weekend is supposed to be good weather, so I am going to make the most of it.  Now if only I could put away the popcorn and focus on eating healthy instead.  But really, I had the most delicious milkshake tonight!  I finally tried Burgerville's chocolate hazelnut milkshake, and my life has been changed!
Tomorrow is a new day!  The jeans are getting too tight, and I am too poor to buy a new pair, so I will run instead!  Plus, I'm working on my "Texas playlist" to get in the spirit!
It's been a great week, and tomorrow will be another good day!